Reclaim Power
Forgiving one's self releases immense power. For me, forgiveness was an unexpected, but necessary step in order to truly embrace my new normal. When so much is broken, and all the pieces are steeped in guilt and shame, it's hard to imagine that anything can be salvaged - and if so - where to even start. Waves of emotional and physical pain can be intensely vivid. I could actually taste the fear when my face flushed, and muscles tensed with anxiety. Triggers can wield that much power.
I'm not sure when I started to consciously forgive myself, but the seed was planted, many years before the assault. I was in a group, on break from an unremarkable meeting. I overheard a woman nearby and was drawn in by the soothing tone of her voice - deep and rich, her words flowed like warm honey. She was describing a traditional Japanese art, in which broken pottery is repaired. Rather than disposing of, or camouflaging the damage, the custom of Kintsugi is to highlight repairs and imperfections using a mixture of lacquer and powdered precious metal, like gold or silver. Mended objects are made stronger, and the repairs are purposely visible. The transition symbolizes resilience and healing making it even more desirable and valuable.
By changing my focus from processing guilt to processing repair, it was then, that I began to realize my worth, and strength and pride. Indeed, it took rising up from the very ashes that burned me into the ground, to realize that healing doesn't erase the past, and my glorious scars bear testimony to the toll of healing - paid in full - with resilience, and strength.
no perfect victims
I still have fleeting thoughts, wondering what I did that contributed to the assault, a reflection on society's entrenched undercurrent that echoes yet today... the victim must have done something to instigate a sexual assault.
Fortunately, great strides have been made in swaying public perception, underpinned by psychological and technological contributions which are now mainstream in our legal system. Courtrooms across the county have expanded what is accepted as evidence. It can be determined, for example, if a photo has been edited or altered. Photos taken at the time of a forensic sexual assault exam, can reveal the brutal reality of a crime. A victim's past is no longer the defense's scapegoat. Physical injury takes center stage - a milestone for victims who want to see a perpetrator held accountable in a court of law.
Forensic medical examinations were not common when I was assaulted. Technological advancements, open dialog and funding have increased awareness and demand for access to a facility with specially trained staff and the latest equipment.
The long-held stigma of being a sexual assault victim is fading. As the tide of negativity flows away from victims, it is the perpetrators who are being caught in the wave of technological advances beyond DNA: indisputable photographic evidence. Now, physical injuries that are not even visible to the naked eye - can be revealed with special lights and filters; and photographically documented. The perpetrator's defense becomes but a house of cards.
Thankfully, specialized equipment has been developed specifically to photo document sexual assault exam. Previously, the only equipment available was a colposcope, which was designed to screen for cervical cancer. Sexual assault examiners are coming to realize the serious limitations of a colposcope in the face of a growing need for photos that reveal injuries that can only be seen with specialty filters and alternative light sources .
As the saying goes - in the courtroom, it's not what you know - it's what you can prove. As more victims find the courage to prosecute their perpetrator, the ability to present a case based on hard evidence (indisputable photographic proof) can affect an outcome that has lifelong ramifications.
Fearless Girl . Hyunwon Jang . Unsplash
Black & White
My hope is to find a common thread of empathy and understanding in a quagmire of circumstance. Coming out on the other side of trauma, I found myself questioning things in my life that that had been dependable, true, easy to understand. While my eyeglasses were never rose-color and my address definitely wasn't on Easy Street, life was rather predictable and seemed reasonably safe. 'The event' threw black & white into the fire pit along with me, turning the world I had known into a big pile of lifeless ash. Where are the pieces? Who can you trust? Nothing was spared; not family, friends, joy or routines.
Traumatic stress can do that. Outrageous thoughts define dreams, explode on waking-up, then natter and nag as the day drags on. With a broken emotional regulator, the roller coaster runs on repeat.
When I finally caught a whiff of fresh air and felt strong enough to research help, an article by Gregory L. Jantz Ph. D. stood out from a sea of self-help. His understanding of the depravity of emotional abuse validated my feelings and described how to repair the damage. His article 5 Steps to Heal from Emotional Abuse helped me move forward in meaningful ways because, in my opinion, much of the article pertains to physical abuse too, considering mental & physical often go hand-in-hand.
Peace . Photo by: Engine Akyurts . Unsplash
new normal
There are things in this world that at first glance, defy our understanding of how things work. When repeated and perpetuated, an assumption can become something we even stop questioning, and simply accept it to be something that defies natural law.
The bumblebee has long been thought of as an insect that shouldn't be able to fly. It was assumed that its body was simply too heavy, and its wings far too small, to enable flight. And yet, bumblebees do fly. It was discovered that their little wings are formed in a figure-eight pattern, which allows a bumblebee to lift off and fly, despite its relatively large body.
Fortunately for us, we live in an era where past assumptions are openly challenged and often celebrated. Against the odds, and often expectation, droves of survivors are finding ways to work with the weight of hardship instead of against it. The urge to forge ahead after a life-altering assault is generating headlines, books and studies.
Professionals are diving in to understand the psyche of the victims who are driven to rebuild their lives, doing whatever it takes to move forward. Legions of us refuse to be defined by an assault.
The duality of yin & yang is reflected in our lives and relationships. Normalcy is in constant of flux, which can be argued, if we have some degree of control over. The Serenity Prayer aptly mentions the notion of seeking the courage to change the things we can affect. This blog is dedicated to ebb and flow of our lives, and the search for harmony and betterment.